My story

I know I may have told you this in the past before, but you probably didn't believe me or really understand the true extent of it.

I used to fight with my parents ALL the time. Really, literally every day from the first year of high school to probably... halfway through grade 11?? And even now I get into arguments with them (but rarely).

I used to be the most spoilt, bratty child imaginable. I'd wake up literally pissed off by the littlest things, and may I say they were also just the world's most unreasonable things to be pissed at. I'd basically spend every day unintentionally blinded by how bratty I was and how I was tormenting both my parents with my whining, complaining and numerous hissy fits. You see, I used to think that there was something wrong with me, I just simply never got along with them, no matter how hard I tried. Many of the arguments that occurred were due to miscommunication (language barrier) between my parents and I. My chinese was terrible, their english was even worse, so every time someone tried to explain themselves it seemed to make the situation ten times worse, and we'd all end up getting angrier than we were in the first place

I remember in grade 10 I think? or beginning of grade 11? I was at Sammy's house, and it was about 10pm and I asked my dad to pick me up. Knowing that it usually meant I wanted to stay as long as possible until I had to go home,  he was super considerate and dragged it out for longer so I could have more fun. Meanwhile, I was freaking out because Sammy's parents had to go to sleep really early that night and if dad came Rusty would definitely bark extremely loudly and all the automatic lights outside her parent's room would light up. Anyway, when he finally came at 11.30pm I threw my shit. I literally was the most ungrateful little shit, and I got so ridiculously angry at him in the car. 

Dad had spent the whole day cleaning up the WHOLE garden by himself, and he was absolutely exhausted (he loves his sleep) and stayed up just so that I could stay longer at Sammy's. Of course, I didn't think of anyone but myself in that situation and was just incredibly mad for no reason.

It's something I still regret today. I really really wish I had taken back my stupid behaviour that night AND all those years of being a total brat. When I got in the car and expressed how mad I was  (stupid fucking me), dad... exploded. So dad apparently used to have the worst temper, but after the first year of marrying my mum and especially after all these years of having to take care of 3 children, he has changed. He's basically an extremely patient person now. But, there's a limit to everyone's patience. Especially if someone was continually triggering and abusing that patience constantly (me). That night, was just, I can't even talk about it. I was just petrified. I had never seen dad so angry in my entire life. He stopped the car immediately, and the whole car shook as he raged and yelled at me. And I just.. I was so so scared. Anyway, after that night, it took many months before dad and I were back on normal terms.

Halfway through the year, without really realising it, my attitude towards everything in life started changing. The only thing that I changed in my routine or my daily life was being grateful for all the simple things in life, it gradually became more and more of an instinctive thing to do. 

These past two years, I have began to realise just how deeply I have been loved and cared for, ever since the day I was born. And even now, I will never be able to comprehend all the behind the scenes things that my parents have done for me, all the things sacrificed for me. Everything, absolutely everything... my parents have ever done, was for my wellbeing and was out of love. I was always treated like the little princess of the family, because I was the youngest and the luckiest. I was the only one that was allowed to go to my friends' houses, I was the only one that was actually allowed to attend parties. 

After my birthday resolution to be grateful for something every day and every night, my attitude started to change almost immediately. I was happier, and it made me see all the beautiful things that people did in the world just to improve someone else's day or mood. I was able to see everything clearer and see how friends helped each other out, how people complimented other when they looked particularly nice, how people comforted each other when they were feeling sad. I started to finally notice how much EFFORT, TIME and LOVE my parents invested in me, and how lucky, how blessed I truly was.

We all have those days that start off shit, but by simply realising all the beauty of the love that we all share and experience in this world, simply by realising the beauty of the wonders of the world, simply realising that today we are healthy people, today we can walk, today we can talk, today I have friends to enjoy my lunch time with, simply realising how lucky we are to have a functional and loving family... it can change your whole outlook on life. Everything that follows this way of thinking, leads to such a happier and more fulfilling life. By simply being grateful towards people's actions, I found myself learning how to take the same initiatives that other people took, how to be more compassionate, more to be more aware, how to be happier. Being grateful allowed me to learn how to be more patient in expressing how I feel to my parents. I began confiding them with the things that were going on in my own life, some secrets, my friends, guys... I let them in. I opened up to them, and ever since then, we hardly have arguments. I think they were over the moon that I finally FINALLY (about time) let them in. I have never felt safer, happier and more secure and grateful for my family.

Most of the time, I forget, but they always forgive me because they know that I try. Being the stubborn person I am, I always want to feel like I'm right even when I'm really not but sometimes the best solution, is just to let it go. In doing so, it saves me from having to feel shit for a prolonged time, it saves me from having to have that unsettling and uncomfortable feeling for the rest of the day. Hugging them and telling them I love them is possibly one of the hardest things I do in my life, but most of the time, it's the best way to say I'm sorry.

Anyway, I really need to do my work. I've rambled on for so long I'm so sorry. 

I don't know, this is just a snippet of my life I wanted you to know about, and probably doesn't apply to the way I behave most of the time (still a brat). However, being thankful, even just for how delicious a breakfast is, or simply how you are able to even have a nutritious meal in the morning, has helped me appreciate all the better things in life rather than noticing and letting all the insignificant annoyances in life piss me off. Fight the little annoying incidents that occur or things that people do to piss you off, don't ever let that bring you down. Don't let them define your day. Win by smiling with your hot dimples and your magnetic smile.

Happy days kicks the ass of sad/angry/annoying/pissed off days, and we all know that life is just better when we are happy (no shit), but we all have those shitty days and it's okay to feel the way you did today, I want you to know that. 

There are so many miraculous and beautiful things in the world (you know that), but I don't think any beauty can ever compare to that of someone's pure and honest happiness. That's something intangible, in the moment and irreplaceable.

You are so beautiful when you are happy.

I love you.

I found it on someone's blog.

"She deserves better, you say. I say: You’re a goddamn coward. What she deserves is an actual person she can connect with. She deserves you, or me or the entire world; she deserves someone achingly real and honest. She deserves a human being equally raw to pursue her and love her and, perhaps, destroy her emotionally, but she deserves all that as well. She doesn’t deserve anyone’s sugary fairytale. She deserves to float freely, with you, or me, or the world, into the very depths of her own psychosynthesis. She deserves to explore the meaning of the word "intimacy", with someone beside her that will care regardless. She fucking deserves all of it. So, pluck up the courage and be with her or leave her in peace but don’t you dare"sell" her your own "inadequacy" as a lie so that, again, you manage to comfort your conscience and eventually come to feel that you love her exactly because you’re letting her go."

Did someone say roadtrip? This is our version

I think we should go on a roadtrip, and before we leave we would pack each other's bags instead of packing our own. We'd get to pick what clothes the other person would bring, what books, what technology, how much money the other person would bring and together we would have a tent, a torch, some food and that book we said we'd write all of our adventures in. And we'd both make a playlist to burn on a CD, with songs we'd pick out for each other, one for on the way there and one for the way back.

We'd leave Brisbane without any idea what we had in each of our bags and we'd just drive to somewhere beautiful. To the great ocean road? To that beach you were talking about where you and your sister went to surf. Anywhere. Maybe somewhere neither of us have ever been.

Some of the things I'd probably pack for you would be a pair of binoculars, your qantas pjs, my favourite book, one of those old school portable movie players, ruby sparks because I haven't watched it hehe, your favourite pillow. The rest I can't tell you about because I want to save it as a surprise.

I'd pack you a really nice suit that I'd buy and then we'd plan to go out for dinner at a beautiful restaurant by the beach at sunset and I'd make you wear it.

And anyway you'd start the car and we'd be on our way to the destination. I'd sneak several glances at you, and probably kiss you on the cheek several times while you drive (heheheheeh) and I'd put in one of our CDs and just sit back and drink in every moment with you. I'd feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Every moment would be a new experience, a new memory to treasure in my heart.

Somewhere on my bucket list

I want to fall asleep with you in a glass penthouse, in a room with wooden floorboards, and a full window facing the shimmering lights of New York City. We would play the music softly as the sky gradually turns from crimson, purple and blue to a soft black. The sun would be replaced with stars sprinkled over the night sky. We’d sleep in a bed close to the floor, in fact we could just sleep on a mattress or a thick doona with dozens of pillows and cushions scattered over the floor. We’d take turns in reading chapters of a really good book and drink expensive champagne just because we can. And then we’d fall asleep after hours of talking about anything and everything, what we’re scared of, what we think the future holds, what we would do if we could swim without having to come up for air, where we could get breakfast the next day, we’d debate over the news, we’d discuss a new book we should read, or a new place we’d like to go. We’d kiss.

And then fall asleep. And wake up to the coolness of the aircon, comfortably entwined in the crisp white sheets. And the sun would be shining beautifully over the city, and the sunlight would stream through the window and paint patterns of light on us. We’d see some clouds, but the sky would be mostly bright blue. We’d hear city noises, muted traffic and sounds of people living their lives metres below us. We’d lie there for a while just cuddling, just content and happy in the moment. Not thinking of anything but the present.